I am lonely

in me

I think I am on a downslide again. I am stressed, angry, anxious about people and places in a way that is either irrational or frankly irrational, and I feel helpless in the face of it.

I can infer Mariah’s activities even through the absences and silences in my Facebook feed. Here she’s gone off with him and the kids for the weekend to do who knows what, and it is just eats me up to think that some random asshole is there with my kids when I’m stuck in Ireland.

Nicole was one of the pillars of my life when when I hit rock bottom in 2012, but felt more affection than I should because of her support, dropped the L-word on her in a moment of regrettable emotion, and promptly found myself kindly and carefully set on the sidelines while she divorced form her abusive husband and embarked on a new relationship with an admittedly really great guy.

Conversation died off almost immediately, I’ve felt increasingly alienated as a friend in the ~year since, and I finally cut the last ties this week. If Nicole even noticed, then she hasn’t remarked on it as of this post.

Jenny was my closest friend for most of a decade, and the woman whose back bore me up through some awful shit, and I’ve started to feel the same gap there. Jenny and her husband Josh are close, still in love, and every year they go from strength to strength. And because of that, and also because I’m so caught up in my own crap, there’s less room and time for me in her life.

I cut off Kerry after some hurtful remarks, and I can’t tell you what cut more in the end-either Kerry’s original remarks, or that it took her five weeks to notice my reaction. And again, Kerry has two teenagers, a toddler, and a career to care about.

Kerry, Nicole, and Jenny each have their own lives to live. I’m a friend, and a good friend, but only one friend out of several, and the one who is halfway around the world. In short, I’m irrelevant. Yes, I could probably garner attention with some breast beater about how I’m suicidal, but that’s that would almost be attention for the sake of attention.

I feel the same irrelevance in the wider world. I had two former friends from Boards.ie get married this past weekend, and it sucks to see everyone talk about it.

There are no real-life friends per se-I live upstairs from Alanna and Casey, and sometimes I cook for them; I’ve entirely given up on my attempts to explain myself to mum; I’m on the fence about the hackerspace because it is too easy to procrastinate, and also because the members are collectively filthy pigs who can’t wipe their own shit and piss off the toilet seat.

I am irrelevant in the lives of the people I used to feel closest to and depend on for support, I am irrelevant in the lives of my children, and I am irrelevant to random online people. Holly? Eh. I am ambivalent about Holly. She’s finally booked her trip to Ireland (right on time for my birthday :), but I don’t know what I’m expected to say or do with her. Mope about my crap? Berate her about her crap?

Six Months in the Mountain Kingdom

in me

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